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Misconception: Surrogates form unhealthy attachments to the babies they carry.



Doris stood outside the hospital room, her heart pounding in anticipation. She had just spent the past nine months carrying, nurturing and communing with the life inside her. Now, the moment to say goodbye loomed large. As her hands tentatively pushed open the door and her eyes met the expectant gaze of the baby’s parents, Doris experienced something often unimaginable to the public perception fueling major misconceptions of surrogate motherhood. 


There was relief — and love — but it was love for the new family she had just helped create, not the heart-wrenching separation anxieties imprinted on the general public's psyche. This story, which is extraordinary in its seeming ordinary nature, begs for an interrogation of the popular belief that surrogates form unhealthy attachments to the babies they carry.


Understanding the crux of surrogacy begins with debunking this myth. Extensive studies have shown that surrogacy is a conscious journey many women choose to partake in with open hearts and clear minds - having prepared emotionally and mentally for the expectations and outcomes associated with their roles.


Clinical psychologist Lucy Blake’s academia-featured work on surrogate motherhood reveals fascinating details about surrogate mothers like Doris. Her research studied 34 surrogate mothers from the UK, all of whom had carried a child for someone else at least once before. According to Blake's research, none of the women experienced difficulties relinquishing the child to its intended parents. 


This surprising revelation is grounded in the fact that most surrogate mothers don’t view themselves as the "real" mothers of the babies they carry. Instead, they consider themselves 'vessels', who are providing a service by giving a beautiful gift – life – to childless couples. 


An equally thought-provoking research is reflected in a study conducted by Dr. Susan Golombok at the Centre of Family Research, University of Cambridge. The findings indicate that surrogate mothers display a higher degree of satisfaction when they have an ongoing relationship with the families they helped bring into being, emphasizing that the emotional attachment they foster is not with the babies but with the families they are helping.


However, misconceptions about surrogacy persist. The media often sensationalizes stories about surrogacy gone wrong, centering narratives around the surrogate who refuses to give away her baby. In reality, these cases are the tiny fractions and not the norm, and it is an unfortunate bias we project onto surrogate mothers.


To correct this distorted perception, we need to educate ourselves about the reality of surrogacy. The initial stages of surrogacy involve psychological evaluations where inclinations towards potential attachment issues are assessed. Furthermore, modern surrogacy includes gestational carriers, where the surrogate has no genetic connection to the baby they're carrying — reducing emotional ties due to biological factors.


Dr. Janine Brambatti from the San Diego Fertility Clinic explains, "Significant effort is put into ensuring surrogates are aware of the philosophical and emotional facets of surrogacy. They understand their role is to bring precious life to those who can't do it on their own, and with that understanding comes a detachment that is both healthy and necessary."


In conclusion, the pervasive idea that surrogates form an unhealthy attachment to the baby is fundamentally flawed. It lacks the holistic understanding of the in-depth process that surrogacy involves and profoundly undermines the emotional intelligence and maturity of the surrogate mothers. By looking beyond the misconceptions, we can truly value the commitment of every woman who chooses to embark on this extraordinary journey of love and life — that heralds both the surrogate and the intended parents as the true custodians of this most noble act of giving.


Understanding this reality can shift societal perspectives and open up broader conversations about the potential for surrogacy. It also provides more robust support for surrogates, ensuring that they receive the emotional support they need. Most importantly, we ensure that the beautiful act of bringing life into this world is appreciated, understood, and humanised in all its glory.
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